Spoil a Wish II

[Ethel]

Granted. You sleep so deeply that you don't even get woken by all the noise the burglars make.

I wish to learn necromancy.

[Ethel]

Granted. You travel back in time and stop me from exercising my necromancy, but you also meet yourself and inadvertently break the space-time continuum, thus destroying the entire universe.

I wish I had a friendly dragon.

[Ethel]

Granted. You're married to Scarlett Johansson, but she's so busy that you barely get to spend any time with each other and you will get divorced within two years.

I wish to be able to control the weather.

[Ethel]

Granted. You hire a russian mobster who threatens your teachers into giving you perfect grades, but when he asks for more money than you can give him, you have to flee to South America.

I wish I was bulletproof, like Superman.

[Ethel]

Granted. You are now the proud owner of a miniature motorcylce. It's made of plastic.

I wish that listening to loud music on public transportation would be outlawed.

[Ethel]

Granted. You get abducted by an insane math teacher who forces you to solve riddles and equations at gunpoint.

I wish I had a magical pot that always refills itself with whatever dish I desire.

[Ethel]

Granted. You remember every embarrassing thing that ever happened to you in excruciating detail and can't stop thinking about it.

I wish there was a teleporter to Mount Everest so I could get to my pot whenever I want to.

[Ethel]

Granted. You are completely cured from all fears, which includes the very sensible fear of going through dark alleys at night. Atleast you aren't afraid while getting stabbed.

I wish I could fully understand complex subjects just by skimming a headline.

[Ethel]

Granted. He is lauded as a martyr and gets replaced by someone who uses his death to radicalize his viewers even further.

I wish to own the softest blanket in the world.

[Ethel]

Granted. After a wild night that you can't remember, you wake up handcuffed together with Tucker Carlson, who is somehow still alive.

I wish I could do a perfect cartwheel.

[Ethel]

Granted. You may no longer spend your money on anything until you have saved up atleast a million dollars. Until then, you have to rely on the charity of others.

I wish to own a mountain lodge.

[Ethel]

Granted. Your Uber rating is now 1 and will stay that way forever. You no longer have to be worried about Uber drivers taking wrong turns.

I wish my bed was a teleporter to other beds.

[Ethel]

Granted. You remember that it was you. Now you understand why the police are knocking at your door.

I wish I had an actual valid get-out-of-jail card incase my planned heist goes wrong.

[Ethel]

Granted. The CIA finds out about it and locks you up in a secret facility where they subject you to painful tests and experiments to find out your secret.

I wish there were clothes that kept you cooler instead of warmer.

[Ethel]

Granted. However, as a side effect your cat is filled with a burning hatred for you and will spend its eternal life hunting you and scratching your skin off whenever it finds you. Oh, and it can teleport, so good luck trapping it.

I wish I could always make babies sleep.

[Ethel]

Granted. You are blessed with exceptional literary talent, but you are only allowed to write cooking recipes. Beautifully written as those are, it pains you that your true talent will never be known.

I wish my dreamcatcher actually worked.

[Ethel]

Granted. The monsters from A Quiet Place invade earth and now every space is quiet space.

I wish I always knew which joke would make the person I'm talking to laugh the most.

[Ethel]

Granted. Your brother's birthday goes splendidly. The next day, he gets abducted by aliens.

I wish to receive a lifelong free-entry pass, valid for every cinema in the world.

[Ethel]

Granted. Everyone around you loves you and wants you to themselves, leading to jealous fights erupting everywhere you go.

I wish my cat could talk to me, in a human language that I understand.

[Ethel]

Granted. My cat is now xenophobic and homophobic instead.

I wish my cat was nice towards all forms of life.

[Ethel]

Granted. Every night at 11pm, someone comes into your house and ties you to your bed. At 7 am, they come in and untie you again. You cannot make them stop.

I wish I could do cool card tricks.

[Ethel]

Granted. Your cat runs away, to never return.

I wish your cat made it all the way to Europe so I can pet it.

[Ethel]

Granted. All of them are egocentric jerks.

I wish I was better at drawing.

[Ethel]

Granted. You also have severe aquaphobia.

I wish for a scented candle that burns forever.