That's hilarious.
No idea if it's balanced (it probably isn't, to be fair), but it's so screwy that it likely doesn't matter. Normally, a game's balance doesn't matter if it's heavily swingy (likewise, its swing doesn't matter if it's heavily skewed, its skew doesn't matter if it has extreme kurtosis…); in this case, the game's so screwy that I think all of balance, swing, skew, and kurtosis go out of the window. It might be worth trying to rework into a Mish Mash game, perhaps?