Self-Love, surviving mental illness, little victories

[NorwegianboyEE]

I have PTSD too and have largely forgotten my entire childhood apart from some certain moments. From my teenage years and onward i remember slightly more as it was not as much of an sad existence.
I thought i wasn’t as damaged as i was but i got painfully reminded of it when i had an complete and utter panic attack after the apartment i lived in had a window broken by my schizophrenic father who suffered from an psychosis about 1 year ago. What’s interesting is that i reacted extremely decisively and rationally during the attack itself. But after the attack when i felt the situation was under control i completely lost myself and had an complete and utter anxiety attack.
When i was 12 years old i suffered from an similar attack and home invasion which has made me unable to feel like i’m completely secure ever since.
I’ve become an extremely cautious person that always looks at who is behind me, how someone i’m talking to is behaving, whether my house has weak points and is vulnerable to assault or breach of security. Whether i have tools of self-defense nearby and the nearest escape route.
It can be exhausting to live like this but i see no way to escape that extreme fear of vulnerability and losing control.

I absolutely despise the feeling that i could become unable to escape and at the mercy of some crazed person or killer.

So i do not dare to take drugs or drink much alcohol either. As that could limit my ability to react rationally to an threat. I also don’t like drugs in general as that is the cause for my parents having been broken down mentally and getting mental illnesses that cause them to act irrationally and abnormal.

Anyway i don’t mean anything particular with this, but seeing as you made a PTSD thread i felt like sharing my story.
It really sucks and i wish i could live "normally", but i think that window has forever been closed to me now due to my tumultuous past.