"Alright, enough is enough." Vimes stood on a table at the top of the canteen and addressed the remaining watchmen. Behind him in the corner, a pile of yesterday's copies of the
Times
were ceremonially burning. Vimes would have sent someone to get today's copy, but they'd have to make do with not knowing for now - they couldn't risk whoever it was not coming back. And Vimes didn't know if he could trust
anyone
right now. Even himself.
Qui custodiet custard?
He asked himself slowly. Usually, the solid answer to that question was
Me
. Today, he wasn't so sure. He cleared his throat.
"Until this is sorted, we're not going anywhere. Anyone has problems out there" - he waved his hand vaguely towards the window - ", then they can wait. We're going to be coppers now! CAPTAIN CARROT!"
"Sir?" Carrot appeared suddenly by his side, saluting woodenly. Even Carrot's normal rock-hard discipline seemed to be taking a shot after all of these deaths.
"Organise the men into teams." Vimes snapped. "We're going door-knocking." He turned to address the canteen at large again.
"Ask everyone around here! I want them to tell us of ANYTHING they've seen that's strange, anything at all..."
***
Constable Visit-The-Infidels-With-Explanatory-Pamphlets really wasn't having much luck. Being well known to the city's inhabitants*, none of them were answering the door so he could ask them about suspicious and unholy activities occuring in the locale of Pseudopolis Yard.
Finally, one of them answered. It was a woman, quite short, holding a poker and looking up at him with anger in her eyes.
"Excuse me, madam?"
"Bugger orf."
Constable Visit paused for a minute. He was only supposed to be asking, but this woman clearly needed to be saved.
"Bugger orf, I said!" She shouted, interrupting his thoughts. He decided to use his discretion and just do his job.
"I'm sorry madam, I just wondered if you'd seen-"
"I've seen all your bloody leaflets! Bugger orf!"
With that, the door was slammed in his face.
Captain Carrot walked around the corner, an amused smile playing on his face.
"Not answering you, Constable Visit?" He shouted cheerily as he approached.
"Well, no sir. They seem to think I'm going to-"
"Yes, understandable!" Carrot cut in before Visit could go off on one of his rants about the regrettable rise of other religions in the gracious cities of Ankh and Morpork.
"Let's see what we can do about it, then..." Carrot walked up to the door and knocked twice. The door was flung open, and Carrot ducked just in time to see a poker fly past the spot where his head had been moments ago. The woman went back to take another swing, but stopped when she saw the looming hulk of Carrot. She relaxed.
"Oh, it's you, Captain Carrot. Want to come in fer a brew? I was just brewin' up, like..." She said, guiltily pointing to the poker.
***
When Carrot left 5 minutes later, his small notepad was bulging with information, and the woman was guiltily clutching a small stack of tax forms she'd "forgotten" to fill in.
"How do you do it?" Asked Constable Visit, falling into step with him.
"Oh, you know... keeping an eye out for things..." Said Carrot, before briskly walking off in the other direction.
*He and his fellow Omnian Smite-The-Nonbelievers-With-Cunning-Arguments went round the city on his days off trying to give people leaflets. They were constantly surprised how many people weren't at home when they visited.
Cpt. Carrot has aquired THOROUGHNESS and will receive a power today.
It is now DAY FOUR.
Deadline is the evening of Wednesday 5th October (UK time).
)
