We follow Rainbow Brite into the auditorium as the countdown begins...counting down
Backstage
Phoebus: No way, what happened next?
Flying Dutchman: Well I said, "that's no cow, that's my wife!", but then I realized I don't have a wife, and well, I... oh.
*closeup of FD realizing he had a bad joke forced out of his mouth*
Flying Dutchman: meep!
*The producers give Phoebus his cue and he walks out of the camera's view and FD sheepishly slinks away, giving him a dirty look*
On Stage
A deep, stentorian voice booming over the PA: Ladies, Gentlemen and None Specified, welcome to the Third Annual Scummie awards, coming to you LIVE from an undisclosed location in an undisclosed country. Sit back, relax and enjoy the next few minutes with your host, the One and Only Radiant One, Phoebus!
[crowd goes wild in the dark]
*We are greeted by a scene fading in from black. The lights illuminate a large, typical movie or music award stage - orchestra pit, hundreds of seats, a large audience, nosy reporters, and a herd of bison. The applauding audience is blinded by Phoebus' radiant entry on stage in a flash of light, riding a chariot of seven horses that scares the bison and causes a mini stampede*
*The dust settles. meaning of life 42 and spork76 are unfortunate casualties of the stampede. Phoebus gestures to some burly bald guys in dark glasses near the door. They grab a hand and a leg and drag the two unconscious scummers somwhere. Hopefully it's the hospital*
Phoebus: That's certainly one way to start off with a bang...anyway, hello everyone, and welcome to the 2006 Scummie Awards. Fancy introductions and formalities tossed aside, here comes a night of celebration of the best about this place. The worse things, we can gossip and bitch about...well...my IM details are in my profile. But tonight we invite you to -
HezLucky [interrupting]: HEZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZWAVRE
Phoebus: Well, yes.
That
among other things but also to -
Anix [also interrupting]: A battlecry to indicate one is not as cool as The sense-of-smell using, scully-loving, upick-inventing son of a bitch known as AniX.
[Phoebus glares at Anix and gestures at the bald gorillas. They come and pick AniX up]
The Gorillas: Come, we'll take you to where the truth is...
Phoebus [clearing throat]: Here's an amendment. Anyone interrupting the emcee again will be mod-killed. How? You ask. Well, mod is god and therefore, god is also a mod. Retribution will be swift.
*Thunder rumbles from a previously unnoticed cloud that has been hovering about at the top of the auditorium. bigben has a little accident and a cleaning crew takes over and he toddles out of the auditorium*
Phoebus: Right, where was I? Oh yes...tonight we invite you to brag, add stuff to your sig, and make fun of the people who didn't win. Especially if you didn't win, so our good friend irony can make an appearance.
Irony: Yo sup.
Phoebus: However, before we begin with the awards, a quick round of applause for our esteemed jury members, without whom this ceremony would not be possible
*polite applause ensues*
[Insert your favourite song here as acrobats arrive flinging themselves from catapaults whilst juggling flaming sticks back and forth across the stage]
*jaws drop*
Phoebus: And here they are, in alphabetical order:
inHimshallibe
[inHim descends from the cloud on a trapeze like Nicole Kidman and Whoopi Goldberg and walks on to the stage. He gives MeMe a disarming smile. MeMe blushes.]
Mr Stoofer
*nothing happens*
I said,
Mr Stoofer
*more nothingness*
*camera cuts to Stoofer backstage swaying to some music from his iPod*
Phoebus [to self]: Demon Days, eh? The divine should help him out.
[Phoebus gestures to the cloud]
*A sliver of lightning makes it way towards Stoofer and it tickles his backside*
[Stoofer yelps and does a triple backflip as he comes out on stage]
*crowd grows wilder*
Crowd: :feral:
Phoebus: Aha!
Mr Stoofer
!
[Stoofer waves]
Phoebus: Next, we have
Mr. Flay
!
[Flay arrives, nattily dressed in a black tunic, hair slicked back, a golden dragon on his collar and a silver sword. He does some shadow practice]
Phoebus [eyebrow]: Talk about formal...
After that...er...display of strength(?) we have
PeaceBringer
who no doubt will have some gentler skills -
*hoooooooooooooooooooooowwwwll*
Phoebus: Wha..?
[PeaceBringer walks in with a wolf on a leash. A rather large wolf. The wolf says :coo: PeaceBringer howls]
bigben: meep!
[bigben toddles off
again
]
Phoebus: Well, that kind of makes no sense. But anyway, all will be set right by the arrival of our final judge,
Seol
, ever on a logical rampage, nothing he does will ever be questionable.
[Seol arrives running, gasping for breath]
Seol: Oh I'm sorry. There was this godawful queue at the Ladies' Room.
Phoebus: WTF? What were you doing in the Ladies' Room? And why are you wearing lipstick?? Shouldn't it be on your collar or something? Your cheek at most...WTF??!1
Seol: That's not lipstick silly. That's lip gloss. Maybelline's new Wet Shine Diamond Liquid Marquise Peach. It's just something I'm trying. You like?
Phoebus: I need a drink! Ladies and Gentleman, before we move on to the awards, here's a special performance by stark and his band, playing their untitled first song which will soon be available via our merchandise section on
www.mafiascum.net. Enjoy!
[Phoebus staggers off, clutching at his head]
*Lights dim, stark and company emerge from below the main stage and start playing*
http://www.putfile.com/starkle
Backstage
Phoebus [snaps finger]: Drink! Somebody get me a drink right now! I need something strong!
shadyforce: How 'bout some milk? It'll make
you
strong. I brought a cow!
Cow: Moooo!
Phoebus [double take]: When did you get here? But nah! I need something like mezcal. Something that makes you go "Ai Caramba!" Something that -
*Phoebus looks up as a small commotion is heard*
Dirge [foaming]: Where is that little creep? Where's inHimshallibe? That little rodent was making googoo eyes at my wife. I'll exterminate him!
Phoebus: Oh, inHim? I do believe he has already returned to within Him.
*Phoebus points at the cloud as it gently rumbles, as if on cue*
Dirge: erk! oh! Well...er...never...never mind that then. I think I'll just go say hi to my lovely wife. [Dirge scoots away, hurriedly wiping at his brow]
Phoebus [conspiratorially]: You know, if you ask me, she was the one making googoo -
shadyforce: I'm not asking you.
Phoebus: Oh!
*silence*
Phoebus: OK.
shadyforce: ...
*Phoebus gets his cue again and hurries away as shady gives his cow a lopsided grin*
Cow: Moo noo!
On stage
*starkle and crew finish the endnotes of their song as the crowd applauds. Phoebus comes back on stage clapping. As the applause subsides, there's one wolf whistle*
Phoebus [looks in direction of whistle]: Why, how sweet! Thank you!
Whistler: That wasn't for you, f00! That was for that stone fox, stark!
stark: YEAH BABY!
Phoebus: ...
*stark catches the room key thrown at him and swaggers away*
Phoebus: Ah. Well...let's get on to the awards now, shall we?
BabyJ: 'bout bloody time too! I was getting tired of all the filler!
Phoebus [red faced]: Right. Ah well...to present our first -
Ibby and elvis_knits [in support of BJ]: HEZZZZZZZZZZZWAVRE!
*thunder and lightning as Ibby and elvis are toasted by the cloud*
Phoebus [continuing as if nothing happened]: To present our first award of the evening, we have Seol. We thought it might be most apt to begin the new year and the new ceremony with the award for
Best Newbie
. Give it up for, Seol!
*Seol walks in with a tiara and sash, in addition to his lip gloss, holding a sceptre*
Phoebus: ...
*Seol winks at Pooky*
Pooky: Rawr!
Seol [in a highbrow Queen's English accent]:
We
are very pleased to present
Ibaesha
with this year's
Best New Player Award
.
We
were very impressed by her play in
Newbie 128 and her consistent play across the board also pleases
us
.
*applause*
Teleprompter: Uh...she's toast!
Seol [continuing with the accent]: Ah.
We
have been told that ibaesha is currently not able to come and accept her award and
we
shall accept it on her behalf. Thank you.
[A thought bubble appears over Seol's head: Good luck to her ever seeing her award again! n00b!]
Phoebus: Next, we have Nox to present the
Most Prolific Player
award to that one individual who finds joy in slacking, has absolutely no life outside of scum and is in general, a mafiascum addict! Te salutant!
Nox: The prize for the winner is...
a date with me!
The lucky SOB is...
Fritzler
!
rolandofthewhite: What? Hell no! She's mine! I challenge you to a duel!
Fritzler: Bugger off!
!Chucklez! [jumping up]: To the death!
Fritzler: 0.o
rolandofthewhite: To the death!
[!Chucklez! and rolandofthewhite jump on stage.]
Fritzler: Do I even have a choi..?
[!Chucklez! switches on his lighsaber: *Swooosh*]
rolandofthewhite: Whoa! You get a light saber? How's that work?
!Chucklez!: Yeah! All's fair in love, war and mafia! And well, if you notice, we're battling for all three!
rolandofthewhite: Heh. Yeah! OK!
[rolandofthewhite closes his eyes for a minute and a light saber appears in his hands]
!Chucklez!: Hey! How's that fair?
rolandofthewhite:
!Chucklez! wrote:All's fair in love, war and mafia!
!Chucklez!: Woah! You can quotespeak in RL? Kewl!
InternetStranger: Even online is RL, dipwads!
!Chucklez!: Yeah yeah whateva! Meatworld then!
rolandofthewhite: Yeah I can! Watch this!
!Chucklez! wrote:Woah! You are even more hot in RL! Kewl!
!Chucklez!: Hey! That's misquoting! Die!
rolandofthewhite:
[A fight ensues that results in a tangled heap of various bodily appendages. No combatant survives.]
Irony: Good show!
Nox: Oops! I did it again!
Mackay [jumping on stage as well]: Just call me the material girl then!
[Mackay snogs Nox and then spirits her away]
Phoebus [thoughtfully]: Hmm. The way these awards are headed, winning might just mean you lose...
Irony: Yeah! Innit kewl? Rockin' show man!
Phoebus [clearing throat]: Our next award for the evening is the infamous
Kenny Award
. What does it mean that you are most likely to be killed night one? Is it an honour to be considered a valid threat to the baddies? Or are you just a prick people can live without? That's one of the most mysterious questions of the universe. However, I'm sure the answer to that is 42. Our winner is
Coron
!
*neutral applause*
Coron: W00tness! I knew I'd amount to something some day! I deserved this award and you know it! I would like to thank my fellow players, the scum - whether they won or lost - who killed me. The moderators of the numerous games I was offed in, mith - for running mafiascum.
Teleprompter: Please wrap it up.
Coron [continuing]: My parents, without whom I would never have been, my best friend Ricardo - we've been through some tough times together, my sweetheart back home, the one in Hawaii, my pet parakeet - buddy...
Teleprompter:
Coron: Please wrap it up?? I'll wrap you up! Why you little...! This might be the only time I'm up on this stage and you ask me to wrap it up? And where do you get off showing me those bright red letters? You threatening me? Are YOU THREATENING ME???!1 Don't you threaten me or I'll take care of you! I'll...
[The Orchestra begins to sound Coron off, drowning out his indignation but it's playing rap music as the Gorillas reappear]
Gorillas [rapping]: When the teleprompta say
Please wrap it up
You wrap it up
Or we get the fancy linen
And we wrap you up
Yes we wrap you up!
[The Gorillas start wrapping Coron in bandages]
You see we wanna be nice
Don't wanna lay you on ice
But we will whack you
Round the head
You'll have to get your own
Hospital bed.
Once we're done with you
Well and good
Your homies won't tell you
From Robin Hood
Tho yo momma'll tell it's you
Fair a'ight
From the dirty colour of these
Old tights
[One of the Gorillas gives Coron a wedgie]
And now that we've got you
Lookin' like a mummy!
It's time to go!
Don' forget your scummie!
[The Gorillas finish and stand back to back with their arms folded]
Gorillas: Now that's what we call a wrap!
[An uneasy silence falls across the auditorium as the Gorillas wait expectantly]
Gorillas: There's plenty more where that came from! [One of them gestures with a bandage roll]
*nervous applause*
Gorillas: Now that's more like it!
[The Gorillas stomp off stage with Coron on their shoulders]
Phoebus: Now that that's taken care of, we have our first
special jury award
and a special presenter. Please welcome on stage, mith, the owner of mafiascum!
[mith walks in to
Chariots of Fire
]
mith: Cut the music! I asked for the
Godfather
theme. What happened?
Phoebus: Erm...the dog ate our music sheets?
mith: *growl*
Phoebus: Oh...looks like it's still in a bad mood. I better go try and see what's wrong.
mith: That was me!
Phoebus: Oh! ... I think I'll go anyway!
[Phoebus toddles off as mith realises he's in the spotlight, with the audience waiting]
mith: Oh well...it has been brought to my notice that the jury has ressurected the
Behind the Scenes Contribution
Award a.k.a.
The Person Who Needs Their Name in Orange
Award and I agree, for it was a good call. For his unflinching support throughout, for his time, his energy spent in transferring the site from the old server to the new, for plugging holes in the phpbb database, for applying the custom titles and for several other functions, too many to ennumerate before the teleprompter cuts me off -
Teleprompter:
I would never -
mith [continuing]: the winner of the award is,
jeep!
[Irony and jeep titter in unison]
[jeep comes on stage]
mith: We doff our hats to you jeep! And we would like to show our appreciation to you. We have a special secret prize for you and it's on my list but it's not exactly high priority right now.
Irony: You slay me!
[Irony dies as mith glares at it and a couple of paramedics put it on a stretcher and move out of the auditorium]
In the wings
[A thought bubble appears over Phoebus' head]
Thought bubble: Every time an award is presented, someone gets hurt. I'm glad I'm not nominated or winning anything
[From beyond the coroporeal world, Irony sends a thought bubble]
Irony's thought bubble: But I didn't win anything!
[Phoebus shudders as he gets his cue and walks on stage again]
On stage
Phoebus: Don't go away jeep! Our next award is the
Professor Mafia
award for
Best Contribution to Mafia Discussion
and as is tradition, the previous Prof. Mafia hands on his mortar board to the newly hailed one and this year's winner is
Mr. Flay
for his article on
Logical Fallacies and his general help at keeping the wiki streamlined!
Mr. Flay: I have just a short treatise on the ways in which I feel this award was handled. If you'll indulge me a few minutes...
Phoebus: No.
Mr. Flay: No?
Phoebus: No!
Mr. Flay: ...
Phoebus: ...?
Mr. Flay: Okay.
Flay's thought bubble: I'll post it to the wiki instead!
Phoebus: Oh hey!
Mr. Flay: What?
Phoebus: You can have a few moments if you like.
Mr. Flay: ...
Phoebus: ...!
Mr. Flay: OK. I have no one to thank. I did all that work by myself! It was hard but I enjoyed it!
I
should be thanked for this and in a way, this award can be taken for thanks from the community. It will do for now. More on the wiki!
Crowd: ...
The flashers blink (like on TV show sets): APPLAUSE!
APPLAUSE!
APPLAUSE!
Crowd: *applauds*
*applauds*
*applauds*
Phoebus: Before we proceed to the next set of awards, we have shelper to delight all of you with his fabulous pen spinning skills!
http://media.putfile.com/title3212
Backstage
Random backstage gremlin: No way, what happened next?
Flying Dutchman: Well I said, "that's no goat, that's my wife!" and...
Phoebus: Oh! That
was you?! But I thought he was Sudanese...
[Flying Dutchman vanishes in a puff of smoke]
Phoebus: Cool trick!
shadyforce's cow: Moo noo!!
On stage
Phoebus: It's definitely what you do with it that matters, not the size, eh? Another round of applause for shelpey!
*crowd goes wild at awesome joke*
[Roses and room keys shower upon Phoebus. A few pairs of shoes, underwear, two tomatoes and an egg also find their way on stage. Terrible at dancing out of the way, Phoebus is pelted with them all but the egg hatches]
Chick: Momma!
Phoebus: o.o
Chick: Momma!
Phoebus: Er...to get on with the ceremony, please welcome our next guest ...
Chick: Aren't you my Momma?
Phoebus: ...The Lump! And her momma...Tally!
*Phoebus scoops the chick up and hurries off stage*
Talitha: It is my great pleasure to be giving away this year's
Johnny Cochrane
award for the
Best Role Claim
to
PookyTheMagicalBear
for his claim in
Mafia XXXVII. Give it up for Pooky!
The Lump: *growls in approval*
PookyTheMagicalBear [bouncing in excitement]: Ooh ooh ooh!
I thank da judges! My fellow scummers, da sily townies in that game. I wuv you all!! EEEEEEEE!!!
Crowd: Awww!
Phoebus: Congratulations to da bear! Our next award is the
George W. Bush
award for
Funniest Role Claim
and it goes to
Thesp
and
Vikingfan
for their vigilante claims in Cadmium's
Back to Gambits Mafia. Just like some people would rather Dubya not be let outside without a leash, or at all, we're not letting the recipients come on stage to accept the awards since the last we knew, they were still biting each other about it. Nonetheless...congratulations to them!
*uncertain applause*
Phoebus: Moving right on to the next award...please welcome The Flying Pumpkin to present the award for
Best Role - New or Adapted
-
The Flying Pumpkin That Shoots Lasers Out of its Ass
Award!
[The Pumpkin can't speak but it uses its amazing lazer power to burn the award winner's name on the background curtain. Again, bad at dancing, Phoebus gets his hair set on fire. The cloud zooms in and douses it.]
Crowd: *giggles*
THE AWARD FOR BEST ROLE, NEW OR ADAPTED GOES TO MASSIVE FOR HIS TROLL SK, PLAYED BY FRITZLER IN
MINI 234!
Phoebus: Er...massive couldn't make it to the ceremony tonight and Fritzler's remains in disposal. We will get the award to him some way. Don't worry. I'm not keeping it for myself. I wouldn't do that. *ahem*
Right...moving on to the next award, please welcome our presenter
Pie_is_good
.
Pie_is_good: y0 all! I'm here to present the award for
Paragon of Mafia Hunters
the award that recognises consistency in mafia finding and what can I say...I've said it before and it's in his sig, LML = Mafia God! This year's winner is
LoudmouthLee
!
*raucous applause*
[Loudmouthlee arrives on stage and hugs Pie_is_good]
Pie_is_good: Ouch! What are you biting me for?!
LoudmouthLee: Mmmm mmmmmmm! Pie *is* good! Who needs a wife when you've got pie?!
Pie_is_good: Eh?
LoudmouthLee: *drool*
Pie_is_good: eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek!
[Pie and LML run off the stage]
Phoebus: Talk about a wolf in sheep's clothing! Speaking of which, we've got two more
special jury awards
to give away. These were not resurrected but are more like honourable mentions for some special feats.
Our first award, goes to
ralphmerridew
for his performance in
Dichotomafia. Winning the town as mafia and villager is definitely an awesome achievement! We're calling it
Double Trouble!
. Norinel, the moderator of that game will collect the award on ralphm's behalf.
Norinel: Thank you.
Phoebus: Good speech!
[There is a blinding blue light and a wind howls suddenly within the auditorium. It's all over in a couple of seconds.]
Irony: Whoa! I've been resurrected!
Phoebus: Our second special jury award is in a similar vein. It goes to
PookytheMagicalBear
for his nominations in both Oscar categories, as mafia as well as pro town. He's mafiascum's
Best Playa
! Give it up for...the Pookmeister!
*cuddly applause*
*nothing happens*
Phoebus: Pooky!
*silence*
Phoebus: Pooky?
[The camera cuts to a scene with Pooky in an inappropriate situation, apparently celebrating his earlier award, getting his belly rubbed and one leg motoring in the air. Unfortunately, the back of someone's head blocks all the good parts]
[Camera cuts to on-stage again]
Phoebus: Hrmph. Playa indeed! Looks like the good missionary Pooky's not in a position to accept his award. We'll keep it chilled for him.
Our next award for the night is the
Paperback writer
award for
Best Night Scene
and it goes to
London Mod
!
*popular applause*
Cadmium: Thank you, thank you. Leo's not here right now but I accept on his behalf! It was great fun writing those scenes and look forward to seeing you all in London 3! I'd say more but it seems they monitor people very closely here and passes for a speech are hard to get! [Phoebus cocks an eyebrow]. If any of you are ever in or around Utrecht or Amsterdam, drop me a line. We'll get together at a coffee house or something.
Phoebus: *ahem*
Cadmium: Yeah and now I really have to go! Thanks again!
Phoebus: Before we move on, a quick moment
In Memoriam
for people who've passed through the halls of mafiascum and we miss!
[Insert Richard Clayderman's
Reveries
here]
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
[On a scrolling marquee below]
Antrax, big_kahunia, bigbenwd, cuban smoker, Cap'n Blicero, Corsato, halfpint, Otaku376 Someone, Sugar, Tigris, Uraj45, VraakX, Wacky, ZONEACE!
*nostalgic applause*
Phoebus [wiping tear]: Just something in my eye...
We'll be right back after this message.
Your happiness is intertwined with your outlook on life.
Why not?
