The Scummies 2006 - Red Carpet and Ceremony!

[mith]

The hour is fast approaching... not the one between the 10th and 12th, but the hour of The Scummies, 2006. Outside the auditorium, a crowd of screaming fans, reporters, and nearby residents who can't sleep because of all the noise are jostling for position as their favorite mafiascum.net celebrities walk in.

For now, most of the buzz is not focused on the awards themselves, but on the latest fashion trends, as players show off their designer avatars and signatures. Phoebus gives interviews to anyone that is interested, being careful not to give away any of the results, though this isn't a concern as most of them are more interested in his choice of tux.

mith arrives with an entourage of minions, and as he walks the red carpet he points out any females in the crowd, with minions breaking off to recruit more minions. Eventually they pour into the auditorium, where a reserved section awaits.

Norinel leads the newest batch of players along. The newbies look somewhat lost and confused, like tourists.

Everyone is having a grand time... everyone, that is, except for one poor man who is turned away before he can even step on the red carpet.

Security Guard:

Sir, I'm afraid I can't let you in here. You're not allowed on the premises.

Tiger Woods:

What do you mean you can't let me in? I meet the dress code.

As he says this, he points to a sign which reads "No Shirt, No Shoes, No Ceremony. Unless you're really hot."

Security Guard:

That's not the problem, sir.

Tiger Woods:

Surely I'm famous enough for this little shindig.

Security Guard:

Absolutely.

Tiger Woods:

Then what is it?

The security guard points to another sign, next to the previous on, which reads "NO TIGERS ALLOWED". Tiger Woods frowns, and turns to walk away, muttering under his breath.

Tiger Woods:

Blast! Foiled again! The supreme tiger overlords of evil darkness will not be pleased...

Soon, the remaining guests are packed into the auditorium without further incident. It's standing room only, and before too long the lights dim and the chatter stops as the 2006 Scummie Award Show begins...

[mith]

Disclaimer:

The following is a live broadcast of mafiascum.net. It was not taped in advance. It was definitely not written in a script-like manner in advance, and mafiascum.net is not liable for any hallucinations you may experience suggesting otherwise. This broadcast may not be reproduced without the express written consent of Al Capone. Please turn off your mobile phone. Don't talk with your mouth full. Any disappointment resulting from the viewing of this broadcast is entirely your fault. You have been warned.

[mith]

[mith]

(Announcer):

, , and ?, welcome to the Fourth Annual Scummie Awards, coming to you live from right here. And now, your host, the Shining One himself... Phoebus!

Phoebus is all prepared with a winning smile, but as he takes his first step out onto the stage, the word "shining" hits him like a bus. The crowd begins clapping on seeing him; they aren't sure what to do when he stops unexpectedly. They continue their applause when Phoebus hops down from the stage, and goes over to the announcer sitting hidden in the orchestra pit. The noise finally lessens when he disappears from view, just in time for Phoebus to be heard over the announcer's microphone.

Phoebus:

Radiant! Radiant! Not Shining! How many times did we go over this in rehearsals?

(Announcer):

Uh... mith made me do it?

Phoebus:

Yeah, right, and I suppose next you'll tell me he made you wear that ridiculous plaid jacket and orange shoes.

Off-stage, MeMe speaks at Phoebus with one of those loud whispers, which somehow manage to be discrete while allowing everyone in a 50m radius to hear them.

MeMe:

Phoebus! We're live!

Phoebus lets go of the announcer's throat and eases his head up over the edge of the orchestra pit sheepishly. The audience erupts in applause again. Phoebus forces a smile and walks back up to the stage.

Phoebus:

Welcome, everyone, to the 2006 Scummie Awards! I'm your MC, Phoebus, and we've got a terrific show lined up for you tonight... but before we get to any of the awards or other festivities, let's introduce some people without whom this ceremony could not have happened... ladies and gentlemen, show your appreciation for... the judges!

The crowd goes wild as the five member panel comes on stage.

Phoebus:

Cogito Ergo Sum!

CES waves in a completely uncreative manner.

Phoebus:

Glork!

The camera pans to the audience, where Jentsu is holding up a sign. The sign is blurred out, but may or may not include "Glork me".

Phoebus:

Kelly Chen!

KC bows with a flourish.

Phoebus:

spectrumvoid!

Unexpectedly, a radioactive bear missing an ear walks in and sits down amongst the audience.

Phoebus:

Thok!

Thok does a backflip. Someone in the audience holds up a "9".

Phoebus:

Thank you again, everyone! We'll be seeing more of you throughout the show. And now... As a special treat this year we will be holding a live Mafia game during the show, for your viewing pleasure...

A room appears on the screen. 10 players can be seen in it.

Phoebus:

Greetings, Mafia players! I'm sure we're in for an exciting game. Let's start it off right with a good old fashioned lynch mob! It is Day 1, 11 alive, 6 to lynch.

M4yhem:

I only count 10.

spectrumvoid:

I am totally /in to replace!

Phoebus:

sv? How did you get there? You were just on stage! Oh well, never mind. You're in.

Quagmire:

Let's lynch MoS. That's always a safe bet.

Mastermind of Sin:

Yeah, I agree.

Dead Rikimaru:

Bandwagon!

Mastermind of Sin:

Wait a minute! If MoS was scum, surely I wouldn't bus himself under the throw. Or something that makes grammatical and logical sense.

spectrumvoid:

WIFOM!

Aelyn:

We should blatantly lynch the mod here.

mole:

Don't be silly. Bastardmoddery, on a live awards show?

Primate:

We can worry about that later.

Fritzler:

Yeah, MoS is clearly the play.

MrBuddyLee:

I concur.

Phoebus:

Is that a lynch? Show of hands?

9 hands go up.

Phoebus:

We have our first lynch! Mastermind of Sin is dead. He was... "A Piece of Strawberry Bread" (Townie)! We'll be right back, folks, after this word from our sponsors.

[mith]

[mith]

Meanwhile, backstage...

Phoebus:

Is my makeup alright?

Rainbow Brite:

You look fabulous. You could always use a bit of lip gloss, though...

Phoebus:

No! No lip gloss! Just make sure it's not dripping off me, those lights are hot.

spectrumvoid:

Phoebus! Is there anything I can do? I want to help!

Phoebus:

You again! I thought I had that door sealed!

spectrumvoid:

Nothing can stand against my /in-ness.

Phoebus:

Whatever.

Rainbow Brite:

You need to get back on stage, Phoebus... the break is almost over.

Phoebus hurries out of his chair and back to the stage, arriving behind the podium just as the music starts playing and the camera sweeps around the cheering audience.

(Announcer):

Welcome back to the 2006 Scummie Awards Show! Once again, it's your host, Phoebus!

Phoebus:

Thank you, and we're back... it's almost time for our first group of awards, but first let's check in on our Mafia Life participants. I believe there have been some developments during the break. Let's check in with our on-site reporter, lurking in the shadows where he won't interfere with the players... ShadowLurker!

ShadowLurker:

Thanks, Phoebus. We're down to 9 here, as Fritzler has been gruesomely killed.

Phoebus:

Oh my. I hope you just mean in the game.

ShadowLurker:

No, he's definitely dead. But don't worry, he'll probably get better.

Phoebus:

That's a relief.

ShadowLurker:

Fritzler was "A Sea Urchin" (Insane Vigilante). It looks like the town is starting to discuss who to lynch next. I'll get back to you if there are any developments. Back to you, Phoebus.

Phoebus:

And on that note, it's time to award the first Scummie for 2006. Presenting the

Kenny Award

for the player Most Likely to Die Night 1... please welcome back one of our judges this year, Cogito Ergo Sum!

The audience claps as CES walks back onto the stage.

Cogito Ergo Sum:

The nominees for the Kenny award are the backbone of the Mafia playing community. They are viewed as a serious threat to dominate the game if left alive, and without those first deaths, how would any game get started? That, or they just play way too many games and they're fun to kill. Whatever the reason, one player stood head and shoulders above...

Coron:

You mean six feet below!

Cogito Ergo Sum:

...the rest. That player is, of course,

Fritzler

!

logicticus:

Finally, over in the corner you see Fritzler balled up with frozen bananas shoved down his throat. They choked him to death, he will use his illusions no more.

Nothing happens for a moment as the audience applauds uncertainly. A camera finally spots Fritzler easing out of his seat, having just arrived from the set of Mafia Live. He looks around nervously, as if expecting something bad to happen. The ushers try to guide him to the stage, which just makes him more nervous. Eventually, he stands in front of the podium and clears his throat.

Fritzler:

I died more than anyone else? I told shea I thought I died, and wasn't crazy, he lined blame on the cocaine, but I denied it. "Cocaine is a helluva a drug" he told me. Just like Johnny Depp, Shea told me that during that period of 9 deaths and 'resurrections,' "We had two bags of grass, seventy-five pellets of mescaline, five sheets of high-powered blotter acid, a saltshaker half-full of cocaine, and a whole multi colored collection of uppers, downers, laughers, screamers... Also, a quart of tequila, a quart of rum, a case of beer, a pint of raw ether, and two dozen amyls. Not that we needed all that for the trip, but once you get into a serious drug collection, the tendency is to push it as far as you can. The only thing that really worried me was the ether. There is nothing in the world more helpless and irresponsible and depraved than a man in the depths of an ether binge, and I knew we'd get into that rotten stuff pretty soon." It did go crazy (especially when we confused a box that said ether with the scumchatter), and some where in that haze I died 9 times. God knows how that happened. Probably the fact that once the LSD lets you see the truth, nothing can stop you form smelling out scum. Or the fact that I'm in more games than anyone.

The audience isn't really sure what to do with that, but Pavlovian conditioning leads them to clap some more as the music plays and Fritzler walks off the stage, looking suspiciously in every direction as he clutches his Scummie award.

Phoebus:

Let's get on with the show before the DEA comes after us. Next up is the Hannibal Lector Award for Best Serial Killer, presented by Thok!

Thok:

The Second Punic War (218 BC – 202 BC) is famous for the Carthaginian Hannibal's crossing of the Alps. He and his army invaded Italy from the north and defeated the Roman army in several battles, but never achieved the ultimate goal of causing a political break between Rome and its allies. The Alps had caused Hannibal to lose many of his men and war elephants. (Only about two dozen elephants remained when Hannibal reached Italy.) Hispania, Sicily and Greece were also key theatres, Rome emerging victorious in all three. Eventually, the war was taken to Africa, and... and...

There is a murmur of shock, at least one scream, and a few claps of approval as Thok falls forward, sliding off the left side of the podium and landing face first on the stage. A rather nasty looking knife is clearly visible sticking out of his back. Behind him, Fuldu stands looking somewhat deranged. He steps up to the podium.

Fuldu:

Lecter! Not Lector! This is the

Hannibal Lecter Award

! And I'm awarding it to... me!

Fuldu

, for Firefly Mafia. What are you going to do about it?

The audience shrugs.

Mr. Whedon:

Peacebringer, his work done for the night, meets

Fuldu - Saffron

on his way back to his quarters. She has an odd look on her face. "I just want to give you a kiss goodnight", she says. She leans over and gives him a soft kiss on the lips.

Fuldu:

I'd like to thank everyone for this honor, but I'm going to take this opportunity to talk seriously about something I know everyone here cares deeply about, George W. Bush's ill-conceived war in Iraq. As you know, one of the primary rationales for continuing action in the Middle East is an attempt to spread democracy to that region. I feel honor-bound to say that, not only is this a misguided use of our resources, but also that rather than spreading democracy elsewhere we should be spending more time and effort fighting against the horrible specter of democracy here in the Western world.

As Richard Ramirez once said, "we've all got the power in our hands to kill, but most people are afraid to use it." Increasingly, you see this insight reflected in our modern democratic perversions of mob rule. Where you once had one strong-willed visionary--a Cotton Mather or a Joseph McCarthy--bringing about the downfall of dozens, or even hundreds of individuals with merely the absent acquiescence of those around them, we now expect, and even require, consensus and majority decision-making.

I have to give credit where credit is due; great strides have been taken recently in numerous areas to scale back the influence of the people on actions taken by their leaders. But, as Carl Panzram put it, "the only way to reform people, is to kill them." I would put it you that we are badly in need of reform and that something must be done. And I can see from your acclaim, and from this lovely blunt object you've given me tonight, that I'm the person you've chosen to set about that reform. It may be a burden, but it is one that I am willing to take up. Only then will the world truly know a permanent and lasting peace.

As Fuldu finishes, he notices Fritzler, who is standing on the far side of the stage, having come out to see what all the fuss is about. Fuldu yanks the knife out of Thok's back and runs toward Fritzler, who yelps and runs backstage. The loud music drowns out what might be screams coming from the back, and some stagehands pull Thok off-stage.

Phoebus:

And now, another award that has traditionally been placed at or near the beginning of the show, as it celebrates the new people in our community. Presenting the

Best Newbie Award

, a fairly new face herself... spectrumvoid!

The audience is already running out of interesting ways to react, so they settle on applauding in a non-descript and unoriginal way, though mith and the minions cheer loudly and someone else holds up a sign which reads "Go voidybuns!".

spectrumvoid:

What an honor, I love being involved, and thank you Phoebus for letting me help judge, and now I even get to present awards. Anything else I can do Phoebus, you just let me know, ok?

Zindaras whistles suggestively, and "voidybuns" glares at him.

spectrumvoid:

Anyway... the Newbie class of 2006 has been a good one, if I do say so myself, and tonight's winner is a fantastic example of jumping in and making an impact, both in games and in discussion. The award goes to...

Kelly Chen

!

Kelly Chen:

/in play. I'd like to play in a game. (I haven't played any games before.)

As Kelly Chen walks on stage from the back, the applause is particularly loud again from the section where mith and the minions are seated.

Kelly Chen:

I am proud and humbled to be recognized by my peers as the greatest of the newbies. When I started out on mafiascum, in November of 2005, I had no ambitions to climb the pile. I was just another newbie in an impenetrable sea of confusion. My first game saw our town cruelly owned by Mr. Flay, a savage IC, after we lynched our cop Fritzler. We were devastated in six pages.

It was not until my second newbie game that my boot was felt. I replaced into night 1 with my scum partner already lynched. I killed off inHimshallibe, and on day 2 let Mr. Stoofer and the rest of the town lynch Flying Dutchman without my help. On the final day I got Stoofer to lynch the other newbie, who I'd been attacking. So blinding was this greatness, that Stoofer was disoriented into seconding the nomination of myself as greatest newbie, despite that I was instrumental in his defeat.

In my third newbie game we lost to viper0933.

I will endeavor to remain the greatest newbie forever. Thanks everybody.

Phoebus:

Congratulations again to our first three winners! It's almost time for a word from our sponsors, but before that let's check in with Mafia Live, where I believe a second lynch has been decided on?

ShadowLurker:

That's right, Phoebus. It's been an interesting day so far. Primate has been raving about Small Furde, going so far as to construct a shrine to it in the corner out of some random objects that were left in the room and bits of his shirt that he keeps tearing off. A big argument started between Dead Rikimaru and M4yhem, with M4yhem repeatedly claiming he was playing exactly like he does as a townie. Aelyn keeps insisting on lynching you, and mole has been telling him to stop being silly, we'll have to keep an eye on that situation as it develops. But the main talking point... well, let's go live to the game, in progress.

Quagmire:

I'm so innocent.

spectrumvoid:

But you caused us to lynch MoS!

Quagmire:

That is such a null tell. MoS is always the play.

MrBuddyLee:

I'm happy with a Quagmire lynch. Quagmire is always the backup play.

mole:

Yeah, ok, whatever.

Hands go up again, 7 this time.

Phoebus:

That's a lynch! And I can reveal that Quagmire was... "Jimmy Hoffa" (Death Miller)!

ShadowLurker:

Uh... Phoebus... I don't think you were supposed to actually reveal he was a Death Miller.

Phoebus:

Hush, you. We'll be back, after this short break!

[mith]

[mith]

Meanwhile, backstage...

Phoebus:

What are we going to do? Thok is dead...

IH:

He's only mostly dead.

Phoebus:

What?

IH:

Well, he's been stabbed through the chest, right?

Phoebus:

I don't see how that's...

IH:

Being stabbed through the chest is painful, right?

Phoebus:

Well, yes, but...

IH:

And life is pain...

Phoebus:

This is silly.

IH:

So he must still be alive. It's just logic.

Fiasco:

Logic? I call that an appeal to undead farm implements.

Phoebus:

Whatever. The point is, he clearly is in no shape to present awards. Who am I going to find to...

spectrumvoid:

I'll do it!

Phoebus jumps as spectrumvoid yells right behind his ear.

Phoebus:

Don't do that!

spectrumvoid:

Sorry. But I'll present for Thok!

Phoebus:

You're already presenting awards...

spectrumvoid:

But I want to present more!

Rainbow Brite:

15 seconds, Phoebus.

Phoebus:

Gah! Ok, sv, fine, you can take over for Thok.

Phoebus runs back on-stage as sv celebrates and then runs off for Mafia Live.

(Announcer):

I think you know the drill by now... here's Phoebus again!

On cue, the audience holds square pieces of paper over their heads, which results, for anyone looking from above, in a picture of Phoebus taking a big bite out of a Subway sandwich. Unfortunately, there's no camera up there, and so no one actually sees this.

Phoebus:

Let's go right to ShadowLurker, with the results from Mafia Live Night 2. SL?

ShadowLurker:

Thanks, Phoebus, we're down to 7, as someone has finally gotten the idea to lock the door, and spectrumvoid is stuck out in the cold, so to speak.

The screen switches to a view of the door. spectrumvoid's face is pressed up against the glass, and the side of her fist is red from pounding uselessly against it. Lip readers may make out that she is saying "Let me back in, I want to play!".

ShadowLurker:

spectrumvoid was "A Stone Sitting In A Medium-Sized River Being Polished By The Slow But Constant Flow Of Water Rushing Over It" (Townie). Back to you, Phoebus.

Phoebus:

What a thrilling night scene! Our Mafia Live players will certainly have a lot to discuss. But now, some more award presentations. Next up... well, it's as if my comments were planned to lead into the awards, what a coincidence! Next up is the

Paperback Writer Award

for Best Night Scenes. Let's hear it for Glork, as he comes to the stage to present this award.

Mr Stoofer:

I don't get it. What are we supposed to be hearing?

Mr. Flay:

I think he meant for us to clap.

Mr Stoofer:

Well why didn't he say so? This sounds like a scum misdirection tactic to me.

Vote: Ph...

Mr. Flay:

Wait wait wait. You're not thinking of invoking Thok's Corollary at a time like this, are you? Thok was just stabbed in the back! That's so inappropriate...

Mr Stoofer looks down sheepishly. Meanwhile, Glork has reached the podium.

Glork:

Well, the winner is...

Mr. Grey

, for Verbose Mafia 2! Unfortunately, Mr. Grey could not be here to accept his award in person, so accepting the award for him will be...

Glork is interrupted by a masked figure walking across the stage. Across the mask reads "Lackey". The figure whispers in Glork's ear.

Glork:

Oh, I see. Ladies and gentlemen, apparently Mr. Grey is standing by on the video feed.

Glork turns to look at the screen. After an awkward moment, the lights dim. The Scummies 2006 logo is replaced by a view of a familiar desk. An expensive looking chair is behind the desk, facing away from the camera, and it now turns slowly revealing...

The Lump, holding a teddy bear.

(Off-camera voice):

Mr. Grey is also not here. Or is he? We don't know. We don't know why we are here, as well.

Ms. Blue appears in front of the desk.

Ms. Blue:

But we have your gift now. Ciao.

The camera focuses on The Lump, who is now holding the Scummie for Best Night Scenes, and the transmission ends. Glork can now be seen looking back at the podium, where sits a teddy bear with disturbing eyes.

Glork:

Uh... what the...

"Lackey" walks across in front of the stage holding up a sign which reads "THAT'S WHAT COULD HAVE HAPPENED. BUT HOW ABOUT THIS?". Halfway across, he suddenly starts running, as guards appear to chase him out of the auditorium.

Phoebus:

Moving right along, back to present the

Johnny Cochrane Award

for Best Role Claim is... Thok?

spectrumvoid is walking on stage smiling, but turns with the audience and camera to follow Phoebus gaze. Thok is on the video screen. He's sitting at what appears to be a restaurant table, clutching at the gaping hole in his chest with one hand and holding a spoon in the other. spectrumvoid scowls, then remembers she's on camera and smiles again.

Phoebus:

Thok? How are you even alive? What are you doing up there?

Thok:

I thought I'd... be prepared in case... I have to eat my hat...

On cue, a waiter appears carrying a bowl of Thok hat soup.

spectrumvoid:

Anyway... the nominees for this award really fooled the other players, including Thok.

Thok hangs his head in shame.

spectrumvoid:

The winner is...

Commodore Amazing

for John Beckwith, Wedding Crasher, in Mafia 43: Married to the Mob and William Shakespeare, the Bard, in Verbose Mafia 2!

Thok:

Bah. This is probably stupid of me, but I'm going to claim.

Thok:

I'm assuming CA has a psychologist role, which means that if he targets me tonight, I will become pro-town and lose my killing abilities.

Thok raises the hand holding his spoon in celebration, then passes out from the effort. The waiter shrugs and carries the soup to another table, where jeep is eating an ice cream burger. jeep notices the camera and puts a hand out to block the view.

Meanwhile, the audience is clapping as two people walk up to the stage to accept the award.

spectrumvoid:

Um... who are you two?

John Beckwith:

I'm Commodore Amazing!

William Shakespeare:

To be Commodore Amazing, or not to be Commodore Amazing: that is the question. The answer: I am Commodore Amazing!

spectrumvoid:

Ok. So... I'm just going to hold on to this...

William Shakespeare:

Et tu, Brute?

spectrumvoid hurries off-stage as Beckwith and Shakespeare follow.

Phoebus:

You know it's going to be a long night when role claims start appearing on stage. Anyway... our next award, which carries the distinction of having the longest name, is the

Flying Pumpkin That Shoots Lasers Out Of It's Ass Award

for Best Role, presented by Kelly Chen!

As Kelly Chen walks across the stage to the podium, the audience is completely silent. She starts to get upset about this, but as she turns to look at the audience she realizes none of them are actually looking at here, but are instead focused on several tigers prowling up the center aisle. After a few tense moments, mith wakes up, blinks a few times trying to figure out what's going on, and then leaps up brandishing a shotgun. As mith charges the tigers a pumpkin hovers in from the balcony, and soon the sound of lasers being fired joins the shotgun noises. The tigers retreat... but for how long?

Kelly Chen:

Well, at least I guess that means the weird stuff won't be happening to me.

An ominous voice chimes in:

(Ominous voice):

Your time will come...

Kelly Chen:

Let's just get to the winner. The winner is...

BrianMcQueso

for the Hero in Mafia 47: Kingmaker!

BrianMcQueso:

You are the beloved Hero of the People. You've spent your life standing up for the common man and striving to help them overcome the oppression of the monarchal system. If the King decides to execute you during the Day, the people will rise up and slay the King and your life will be spared. Your tie to the commonfolk means you can never accept an invitation from the secret elitist society of the Kingmakers, but you may still be chosen to take the throne as King. You win when all the assassins are executed.

At this point, some cheesy song about a "hero" is supposed to play as BMQ walks to the stage. Due to a mix-up, several different songs play at the same time, creating a cacophony which is nevertheless more bearable than any of the individual songs would have been.

BrianMcQueso:

Thank you! Oh! Thank you! I can hardly conjugate verbs! I feel so coked-up! And this statue - it's so suspiciously phallic! Oh, thank you again! I just want everyone to bow down before me and accept that even in my wildest hallucinations, I never would have made daddy promise that this could ever help me get laid so much. And to the other suck-ass nominees, I want each of you to know how totally vindicated your lackluster applause makes me feel right now!

You know when they first told me I was a God on Earth, I just had to take an epidural and obsess about how generous my fans have been. I guess it all just makes me feel kinda special

You know, there are so many star-fucking stalkers to thank! First off though, I want to bitch slap the self-congratulatory circle jerks of the Academy, who looked deep within their wallets before giving me this fantastic award! Also, I want to thank Jesus, for being such a powerful force in my contract negotiations. And to the US Supreme Court, who taught me to take life by the balls. And finally, to all the personal assistants I fired - I couldn't have done it without you!

Thank you America, and good night!

Phoebus:

It's time for our third lynch in Mafia Live. Let's look in on the action...

Primate:

I AM YOUR KING, OFFER ME TRIBUTE!

Aelyn:

WTH? Can we lynch Phoebus yet?

mole:

I think Aelyn is very suspect, he keeps trying to get us to waste time on this ridiculous Bastard Mod theory of his.

Primate:

IT DOES NOT MATTER, FOR I AM YOUR KING!

M4yhem:

Ok, ignoring Primate. I'd be up for lynching Aelyn...

MrBuddyLee:

I don't know, I'm thinking it might be...

Primate:

EXECUTE: MRBUDDYLEE!

Dead Rikimaru:

Huh?

The door suddenly swings open, revealing an executioner.

MrBuddyLee:

You can't execute me! I am the Hero of the Seventh Star! Little people, rise up and save me!

Hearing the call of the Hero, thousands of Lilliputians stream out of various tiny holes in the room. Soon they are swarming over Primate and the executioner. The executioner is driven out of the room, but Primate is not let off so easily. Screams are heard, and the screen suddenly goes black as the censors finally wake up. The video quickly shifts back to Phoebus.

Phoebus:

Oh, my. That wasn't supposed to happen. I guess it's safe to say that Primate is dead. He was "Small Furde's Loyal And Royal Vassal On Earth" (Self-Targeting Kingmaker/Part-time Baker). Let's go to a commercial break.

[mith]

[mith]

Meanwhile, backstage...

John Beckwith:

voidykins! Will you wait just a second? All I wanted is to have a minute alone with you to explain everything. But I've never gotten that chance. Maybe I don't deserve it, but here goes. For longer than I care to remember, my business has been crashing award shows. I crashed award shows to meet girls. Business was good. I met a lot of girls. It was childish and it was juvenile.

spectrumvoid:

And pathetic.

John Beckwith:

Yeah. That's probably the best word to describe it. But you know what? It also led me to you, so it's hard for me to completely regret it. And that person that you met back on stage? That was really me. Maybe not my name, I'm John Beckwith by the way...

Back in the auditorium...

Phoebus:

Let's check in with ShadowLurker once again with a report on the game.

ShadowLurker:

It is a sad time in Mafia Live, as MrBuddyLee has been tragically murdered by the forces of evil. He was "Black Sabbath" (Hero of the Seventh Star). Back to you, Phoebus.

Phoebus:

Things are getting tough for the town in Mafia Live. If only they'd paid more attention to some of the latest theory in Mafia Discussion... which brings us smoothly into our next award! Let's welcome back to the stage CES to present the

Professor Mafia Award

for Best Contribution to Mafia Discussion!

The audience groans at the "smooth" transition, but gets over it and applauds as CES moonwalks his way to the podium for no apparent reason.

Cogito Ergo Sum:

Let's face it. We may ignore theory most of the time and do our own thing, but deep down we know that without Mafia Discussion, we'd all play like a bunch of...

CES pauses, as he notices out of the corner of his eye that the gorilla enforcers Phoebus hired last year have been invited back as special audience members, and that they are watching him with a mean looking expression.

Cogito Ergo Sum:

Er... like a bunch of... bison!

He looks around, half expecting a stampede to materialize. But that would just be silly, wouldn't it.

Cogito Ergo Sum:

The Professor Mafia Scummie goes to...

mikeburnfire

for his Flash Introduction to Mafia!

mikeburnfire:

I'm very proud to have been nominated for/receive this award.

I started working on it as a requirement for school-- we were supposed to make an interactive instruction Flash. It was only my third piece of animation, and I was still getting used to buttons and symbols. The assignment only needed to be a few pages with a button or two, but once I started making it I found it difficult to stop. I figured I'd kill two birds with one stone and make a guide for the game of mafia to earn some name recognition on the site, since I was still a newbie. I guess it worked, since "Flashy" is my title now.

To my suprise, the guide was well accepted, so I followed it up with the Role compilation Flash (which you are still welcome to contribute to and, technically, I still haven't finished). My intention was not only to make a cool guide like the Introduction to Mafia, but to also make a compilation of types of roles for a moderator to examine and get ideas from. I hope that both of these Flash films will help bring new players into the game through their captivating interactivity.

MBF walks off the stage to applause, but before Phoebus can get back to the podium, spectrumvoid runs on-stage.

spectrumvoid:

Phoebus! There's an emergency backstage! You should go take care of it!

Phoebus:

What sort of emergency?

mith:

It's those blasted tigers again, isn't it?

spectrumvoid:

No no, not tigers, sit

down

mithy. It's... uh... it's kinda personal.

Phoebus looks at her for a moment and then his eyes go wide.

Phoebus:

Wait... you don't mean... not my...

spectrumvoid nods. Phoebus runs off-stage. The audience takes all of this in stride, expecting nothing less than complete and utter chaos.

spectrumvoid:

Well, with Phoebus out of the... I mean... with Phoebus taking care of that, I guess it falls to me to host... so... next up it's the

Coffee on the Monitor Award

for Funniest Player, presented by... me! Knock, knock...

The audience just looks at her like she's gone mad.

spectrumvoid:

I

said

knock, knock...

The audience reluctantly responds:

Audience:

Who's there?

spectrumvoid:

DrippingGoofball

!

EmpTyger:

I don't get it.

Irony:

Finally, a cameo!

DrippingGoofball:

I don't know, I don't know... I don't know, I don't know... I don't know, I don't know... I don't know, I don't know... I don't know, I don't know... I don't know, I don't know... I don't know, I don't know... I don't know, I don't know... I don't know, I don't know... I don't know, I don't know... I don't know, I don't know... I don't know, I don't know... I don't know, I don't know... I don't know, I don't know... I don't know, I don't know... I don't know, I don't know... I don't know, I don't know... I don't know, I don't know... I don't know, I don't know... I don't know, I don't know... I don't know, I don't know... I don't know, I don't know... I don't know, I don't know... I don't know, I don't know... I don't know, I don't know... I don't know, I don't know... I don't know, I don't know... I don't know, I don't know...

DrippingGoofball:

= + + ?

Audience:

spectrumvoid:

My thoughts exactly. Moving on... it's the

Paragon of Mafia Hunters Award

for Best Mafia Catcher, presented by... well, I guess I'll do it again! The winner is...

Phoebus:

You lied!

Phoebus reappears on stage, point the finger of... well, not suspicion so much as certainty... at spectrumvoid.

spectrumvoid:

I... I... I just wanted to be involved! Is that so wrong?

Phoebus:

Well, no, actually. In fact, I think it's time for the

Addict Award

for the Most Prolific Player... and judge, presenter, and who knows what else if we let you:

spectrumvoid

!

spectrumvoid:

Note: I'm a mafia addict. I spend more hours on this website than everything else combined.

spectrumvoid:

An award? Really?

Phoebus:

Yes. But there's one catch.

spectrumvoid:

What is it? Oh wow, my own Scummie...

Phoebus:

It's sitting in the back of a truck outside.

spectrumvoid:

What? Why?

Phoebus:

Oh... no particular reason. But you should probably hurry and go get it. The truck could leave any minute!

spectrumvoid:

Oh no!

sv runs off-stage, while Phoebus chuckles.

Zindaras:

Don't leave us, voidybuns!

Zindaras runs after her.

Phoebus:

That should occupy her for a bit... now, where were we?

AniX:

You were about to give Mr. 11th Hour his award! Nothing is more paragonesque than catching scum with the sense of smell! The 11th Hour is here. BOW BEFORE THE 11TH HOUR!

Phoebus:

Look! Over there! Isn't that Scully?

AniX is completely fooled by this oh so clever ploy, and runs off in the direction Phoebus is pointing.

Phoebus:

Anyone else I need to run off? No? Ok then. The Paragon this year is...

Glork

!

Glork:

Breaking games open isn't any fun anyway...

....unless you mean in a "Hunting down all the scum and dominating them all at once" sense. <.<

Glork walks on-stage as special music heralding the entry of a true Paragon among Mafia Hunters plays. Something by Weird Al, perhaps. That, or there is no music, and you're imagining things again. Shame on you.

Glork:

First of all, I'd like to thank all of the scums for being easy enough to find and get lynched (except Ameliaslay or petroleumjelly, who simply got a good old-fashioned glorking for their efforts). I'd like to thank countless townspeople for following my lead, even at times when I probably wouldn't have listened to myself.

Then there's Mith, our esteemed Tiger-Hunter Jeep, MeMe, Norinel, Cadmium/Stoof, and Pheobus/Soel, who have kept this place running smoothly so that we slackers can just play Mafia.

And even though he's not here, I'd like to thank LoudmouthLee. We talked reasonably often, and every once in a while we'd actually talk about mafia (gasp!)... needless to say, I learned an awful lot from him. And now, ias a show of gratitude, I get to steal his label as the best scumbuster in town.

Random shoutouts: Fritz for teaching me how to be a BAMF, Ibby for being the best rant-buddy ever, Satan for making that unholy blood pact with me, PJ for once upon a time not being an eternal spring of untainted bitterness, Ether for the "I tricked Glork the hardest" award, the Mets pitching staff for getting hurt before the NLCS, Pooky for being squeezably soft and lovably huggable, Deathmask Nezumi for being better than BMQ, Dranko for being my Court Jester, Slay for betting against me, CES for YARR! (and for being the best mason-buddy ever), MoS for being himself, JenJen for EGT, and everyone whose names I couldn't, didn't, or forgot to mention here.

Finally, I'd like to thank my trusty d20. Best scumhunting tool ever.

The audience applauds, and Glork holds up his Scummie in acknowledgement before turning to walk off stage. Phoebus stops him.

Phoebus:

Before you go, is there any advice you have for our Mafia Live players at this crucial stage?

The players appear on the screen, waiting for any valuable advice Glork might be able to give them.

Glork:

Well, Phoebus, I think it's clear that mole is scum, but he is just protecting someone else, and that person is...

Phoebus:

I'm afraid I'm going to have to cut you off there! Let's get back to the game...

ShadowLurker can be seen standing in the shadows holding a microphone out to catch the latest argument.

Aelyn:

You know, Glork may be right. mole has been discouraging me the whole game.

mole:

What about Dead Rikimaru? Is he dead yet? No. This is as clear a Lynch All Liars situation as I've ever seen.

M4yhem:

I agree with mole.

Dead Rikimaru:

Well, I'm definitely not voting for myself.

ShadowLurker:

I believe that's 2 for mole and 2 for Dead Rikimaru... can we just get a show of hands to confirm that? If you want to lynch Dead Rikimaru?

2 hands go up, as expected.

ShadowLurker:

And if you want to lynch mole?

3 hands go up.

ShadowLurker:

Huh. Well, I guess that means mole is lynched...

Phoebus:

Indeed it does... and I can now reveal that... you've lynched wisely! mole was "Suck Scum" (Traitor)! It's Night, and we'll be right back...

[mith]

[mith]

Meanwhile, on a road leading away from the auditorium...

spectrumvoid:

Wait! No! Come back!

A truck is moving down the road just fast enough to stay ahead of sv. In its open back, a shiny trophy can be seen.

spectrumvoid:

Wait!

Backstage, Phoebus chuckles as he watches the video from the hidden camera on the back of the truck. This cheers him up, giving him a renewed enthusiasm which the crowd responds to as he comes back on-stage.

Phoebus:

We're back, and I am told we have a new development in Mafia Live. SL?

ShadowLurker:

Phoebus, Dead Rikimaru is... well, dead. When the lights came back on, he was found turned inside-out, somehow. Disgusting, really. Anyway, he was "Dead Dead Rikimaru" (Self-fulfilling Prophecy).

Phoebus:

We're in for an exciting conclusion, everyone, good luck to the remaining players. And now let's bring back our newly crowned Paragon to present the

George W. Bush Award

for Funniest Role Claim!

As Glork walks back onto the stage, one of the technical crew decides he needs a little something behind him on the screen...

This doesn't go over well, as the audience screams. elvis_knits faints and has to be attended to by the on-site medical staff. Glork is completely oblivious to this, and launches right into his bit.

Glork:

Sometimes claims are inspired nuggets of genius, completely fooling everyone and winning the game. Other times, they're just silly and make you snort drinks out of your nose in laughter. The winner is...

PookyTheMagicalBear

for his claim of Stephen King, Miller and Amnesiac, in Stephen King Mafia!

PookyTheMagicalBear:

I am Stephen King, my existence in reality is what causes the messed up investigations from the cops that are based in fiction and are figments of my imagination.

I am currently in a coma after being struck by a car and I am wandering through a world filled with the figments of my imagination.

Huge applause floods the audience as the spotlights begin their search for the incredibly adorable teddy bear, after some confusion they find him beginning his victory lap from where he and Fritz had destroyed all of Kansas State University in the largest beer pong game ever during the pre-presentation games, thousands of the poor lightweights were sprawled all over the large arena among countless beer cans. After getting lost somehow between the stage and the podium, our intrepid hero finally managed to locate the lone microphone that they had hidden so well on the podium.

PookyTheMagicalBear:

First of all I’d like to thank all of you who’ve been here to share this moment with me as well as those of you who’ve been such a joy to be with for the time that I’ve spent here, I truly appreciate every moment I’ve spent with you all. The inspiration you’ve given me is truly priceless. Please allow me to share a few of my thoughts on how truly wonderful this community is and why it means so much to me that I can come and share my time with you all when I do have time.

There's really too much intolerance in this world as it is, too much negativity and pointless hatred based on differences, but when we participate in this community, we do so with the intention of having fun, of playing games and really enjoying our time together. Whatever differences we might have, we can put them aside to enjoy a game that we love in a world that we’ve created. That's in my opinion what makes this site so wonderful, that you can have people from all over the world, of all cultures not just together participating in games involving logical argument, but that these games are NOT focused around these cultural differences and instead whether that quick vote to 4 should be considered scummy or not. That is the beauty of this website, its diversity and tolerance are what make it so special. Our community is a symbol, that logic and reason can rise above cultural divides and bring people from all over the world together in a game that they all enjoy.

For this scummy I have to thank first of all MrGnomeItAll for running a fantastic game, one of the nicest people I’ve met, secondly I’d have to thank the absolutely phenomenal medical staff of Stephen King Mafia who managed to protect the exposed cop from a triple kill on night 2 with which the game would never have progressed to the point where I was forced to make a claim that would end up winning it all. Since my team of goodies was down to only two players, I knew I needed to make a move in order to keep my butt alive, convincing the town that the second cop was a no good lying scumbucket would’ve just led to my death the next day leaving my partner all alone in a town of 16 players, so I did what any insane psychopath killer would do under the circumstances, I made a roleclaim so ludicrously preposterous that it must’ve been true because I didn’t think they were going to let me get away with claiming townie. Unfortunately for our poor psychopath, the town woke up realizing that something wasn’t right and poor Andre Linoge was strapped into that electric chair. Lastly I’d like to thank our wonderful judges and Phoebus for putting together this event and volunteering their time to further our enjoyment of this community, it’s been a wonderful ride so far and it can only get better.

Pooky waves to his adoring fans, and is escorted from the stage by a pair of "huggle buddies". Glork walks to the back as well, not noticing that elvis_knits has regained consciousness, and is following him. Her eyes look strangely... possessed...

Phoebus:

On with the show! It's time for the

Most Enjoyable Large Game Award

, Kelly Chen presenting!

KC walks back out with more thunderous applause from the minion section. She looks somewhat nervous, as though the ominous voice that spoke earlier is getting to her, forcing her to fear what strange thing might happen to her on-stage. She manages a smile and begins her lines.

Kelly Chen:

There were lots of great games played in 2006, and unfortunately we can't give these next two awards to all of them, but let's take a moment and recognize all the mods and players that worked so hard this past year.

The audience applauds politely, and the noise grows into an obligatory standing ovation for the mafiascum community. It's very touching. Honest.

Kelly Chen:

Now then, the award for Most Enjoyable Large Game goes to...

She opens to envelope, and stares at it for a moment, before looking back up at the camera.

Kelly Chen:

Er... the award goes to... uh... SPORK76 MAFIA!!!!!!!

There is a sound much like that made when a large group of people simultaneously moves their hands to clap and then jerks them to a halt about an inch apart. It is possible that this is because the audience does exactly that, though other theories may explain this sound.

Phoebus:

I was afraid something like this might happen...

Phoebus stands on to Kelly's right, holding a spare mic. He motions to two burly looking men in white uniforms.

Kelly Chen:

But... but... I'm not crazy! SPORK76 MAFIA was AMAZING... it deserves to win! You're the crazy ones! Ha ha... ha!

The men grab Kelly and drag her off the stage, as she laughs maniacally.

Phoebus:

Well, I guess I get to present this one. Let's see.

He looks down at the envelope.

Phoebus:

Uh... guys, this envelope is blank. We've

awarded

this, right?

Thok crawls out on to the stage, still clutching at the hole in his chest with one hand. An envelope hangs out of his mouth, as he has no other way to hold it. Phoebus stands watching him for a moment, before Thok stops crawling and spits the envelope out.

Thok:

You know, you could come

get

the envelope, instead of watching me.

With this, Thok collapses again. Phoebus shrugs, walks over to pick up the envelope, and then returns to the podium.

Phoebus:

Serves you right, making our audience wait like that. Sorry, folks... the winner is...

BrianMcQueso

, for Mafia 47: Kingmaker Mafia!

BrianMcQueso:

The town crier runs through the streets. "THE KING HAS DIED!"

The news spreads like wildfire. Rumor has it that a group of assassins as infiltrated your fair kingdom and assassinated the king, looking to seize control of the land by assuming the throne. It becomes clear that these assassins must be rooted out and executed, but with the loss of the king, the town has no one to lead them. The town begins to degrade into a lynch mob, killing innocent townsfolk wildly accused of being in league with the conspirators. As chaos begins to tear through the town, a single cloaked figure speaks up.

"I am from the Royal Society of Kingmakers," he proclaims, "and I have a solution for your problem". He goes on to explain that ordinary citizens of the town will have the opportunity to act as King for the duration of one day. At the end of that day, the King must choose one person in the town to execute. The other citizens may voice their concerns, but, in the end, have no official means to execute another citizen. By making sure one individual controls the power, it will be difficult for the assassins to sway the town too greatly. The cloaked man reveals the shining signet of the Royal Society of Kingmakers and assures the town: "While it may be possible for an assassin to assume the role of the King for a day, rest easy that an honest citizen will always hold the position of Kingmaker. Talk with each other and trust in the Kingmaker's judgment, as they will help shape the fate of our kingdom."

And with those parting words, he vanishes.

Phoebus:

Unfortunately, BMQ left early to build a shrine for his first Scummie, but we do have the acceptance speech he prepared... guys, can we get that on the screen?

BrianMcQueso:

Martin Luther King's

BrianMcQueso's

Acceptance Speech, on the occasion of the award of the

Nobel Peace Prize

Scummy for Most Enjoyable Regular Game

in Oslo,

December 10, 1964

February 20, 2007

.

Your Majesty, Your Royal Highness, Mr. President, Excellencies, Ladies and Gentlemen:

'Sup everybody!

I accept the

Nobel Prize for Peace

Scummy for Most Enjoyable Regular Game

at a moment when 22 million

Negroes

Scummers

of the United States of America are engaged in a creative battle to end the long night of

racial injustice

nobody sending in their night choices

. I accept this award on behalf of

a civil rights movement which is moving with determination and a majestic scorn for risk and danger

myself

to establish a reign of

freedom

terror

and a rule of

justice

you all have to give me lots of money

. I am mindful that only yesterday in

Birmingham, Alabama

the Road to Rome Forum

, our children, crying out for

brotherhood

a deadline

, were answered with

fire hoses

massive mod prods

,

snarling dogs and even death

actually, I think I'll keep the snarling dogs and death part

. I am mindful that only yesterday in

Philadelphia

Coney Island

and

Mississippi

Little Italy

, young people seeking to secure the right to vote were

brutalized and murdered

counterbandwagoned and lynched

. And only yesterday more than 40

houses of worship

cop investigations?

in the State of

Mississippi

The Whole Sort of General Mish Mash

alone were

bombed

nightkilled

or

burned

taken out by a vigilante

because they

offered a sanctuary to

doc-protected

those who

would not accept segregation

were power roles

. I am mindful that

debilitating and grinding poverty

the constant threat of lurkers

afflicts my people and chains them to the lowest rung of

the economic ladder

VOTE: GLORK

.

Therefore, I must ask why this prize is awarded to a

movement

worthless scummer like me

which is beleaguered and committed to

unrelenting struggle

defiling a classic speech for purposes of cheap laughs

; to a movement which has not won the very peace and brotherhood which is the essence of the Nobel Prize

but I won anyway so suck on that everyone else!

Mr Stoofer:

Hey! I wanted to make the first vote in this thread!

Mr. Flay:

Obviously you shouldn't have waited so long, then.

Mr Stoofer:

OMGUS!

Meanwhile, a camera is with spectrumvoid, who has finally caught up to the truck carrying her Scummie. She is several miles away from the auditorium, but she nevertheless senses that her moment has come, and so she launches into a speech.

spectrumvoid:

My special thanks go out to:
Mr. Flay, the mod of my first newbie game, where I learnt the rules here, and coding etc, even though I-cop was idiotic enough to get myself lynched on page 2.

Y, who showed me that mafiawiki existed, and everyone else in mini 306, who put up with my almost non-stop queries, since I was dumb enough to replace in a mini D3 when I didn't quite get the hang of mafia. You guys (Kain, PBug, c_d, pablito) were the ones who made me decide to stay in mafiascum.

STD, m4yhem, patrick, TV, Glork, PJ, Kelly, who indirectly/directly taught me a lot about scum tactics/other general strategies.

Sailor Jerry, my mishmash forums buddy, Zindaras, for his general advice and great company, and IH, whose is probably in almost every game I'm in, and whose presence has made them really enjoyable.

It's the people here that have made me spend nearly 100% of my free time in mafia, and I'd also like to thank everyone else I've played with, for my addiction. Your company has made me persevere through: floods, more floods, other natural disasters, a nationwide disaster, school exams, random mafiascum errors, deleted pm errors, missing posts errors, popularity problems, CPU quote errors... I... must... not... stop...

Back in the auditorium...

Phoebus:

And now, the second of our "game" Scummies... the

Most Enjoyable Mini Game Award

, presented by Cogito Ergo Sum!

CES walks out, as the audience cheers.

Phoebus:

So, CES, what's your secret?

Cogito Ergo Sum:

What do you mean?

Phoebus:

Well, you're the only one that's made it through the award show intact and in the building, so far...

Cogito Ergo Sum:

What about Glork?

Screams are heard coming from the back somewhere.

Cogito Ergo Sum:

Oh. Well... I guess I haven't done anything to inspire the big narrator in the sky...

(Booming Voice):

You really haven't. That is just unacceptable.

An anvil falls from a hole in space-time, crushing CES in a cartoonish way.

Another anvil falls on VitaminR.

Phoebus:

What was that for?

(Booming Voice):

He's related, it's only a matter of time before he's causing uninspiring trouble too.

Phoebus:

So who am I going to get to present this award, then?

On the screen, spectrumvoid reappears.

spectrumvoid:

I'll do it!

Phoebus:

No.

(Booming Voice):

You know, I've always wanted to...

Phoebus:

No.

(Booming Voice):

No? I'll...

Phoebus:

No, you won't drop any anvils on me either. I'm not scheduled to be harmed for another few scenes yet. Can't argue with that logic, my friend.

The other-worldly sound of someone flipping through pages... a script, perhaps... echoes in the auditorium. Some of the audience starts to get restless.

Thestatusquo:

I left scum chat for this?

Phoebus:

Look, will you just let me run this show?

(Booming Voice):

Oh

alright

. You're no fun, you.

Phoebus:

Well, I guess I'll just award it, then...

Thok:

Wait...

Thok crawls back across the stage.

Phoebus:

What now?

Thok:

I just haven't gotten to award anything yet. It's not fair.

Phoebus:

Fine, fine. I absolve myself of all responsibility for whatever happens to you as a result.

Phoebus hands Thok the envelope and a spare wireless microphone.

Thok:

The winner is...

GreenLiquid

, for Mini 294: Post Res...tri...

Thok faints.

GreenLiquid:

The soldier opened the box, which took some effort, considering the hinges had completely rusted. Inside lay a wrinkled up brown book, looking very old. On the front, in decaying print, it read ‘Precious Memories,’ but that was crossed out, and below it read, ‘LOG.’

“Go on. Read it. You’ll learn more from that than from me telling you.”

The soldier opened the book. Inside, it read “Introduction.” He began to read.

I don’t know who you are. Are you me? Are you someone else? I don’t know who you are, but I can feel that one day, someone other than myself will be reading this. Perhaps for entertainment? Perhaps to learn the truth, that I am and have been true? Perhaps even for a higher, unrelated purpose? I don’t know why, nor how, nor when, nor where, but I’m here writing it. And I’ll keep doing so until either my duty or my life ends. But no matter who you are, please, sit back, open a bottle, or canteen, or whatever you drink out of, and enjoy. I will do my duty to create as detailed a record as possibly needed. I present to you... THE DETAILED HISTORY OF TURROVILE.

Eager to continue, the soldier turned the page.

GreenLiquid:

I can hardly believe that I've gotten a scummy! I mean, seriously, who saw that coming? Hmm, not many hands up. Well, since I'm nice I'd like to thank whoever nominated me. Since I'm lazy, however, I don't think I'll look up who did.

I also thought this would be a good time to plug the next game I'm going to be modding. But then I considered how much I hate tomatoes in my face, so I decided to skip that particular part (although my game WILL be fun, I can assure you of that). With that in mind, I'll wrap things up by accepting this award in the name of liquid-kind. In your face, solids!

Gases:

Hey! What about us?

Plasma:

Yeah!

Bose-Einstein Condensate:

Have we run this joke into the ground yet?

Phoebus:

We have just two more awards to give out, but now we want to take the time for two special presentations. 2006 was a busy year on mafiascum.net, and while we couldn't fairly pick the best posts for the year... we

could

pick some comments from completely random posts, and that's exactly what we did. So, here it is, your 2006 Year in Review!

ubertimmy:

/in

Nixame:

confirm

PookyTheMagicalBear:

*jumps up and down*

Green Crayons:

Harumph. I hope the stench was horrific.

IH:

Toaster Strudel is REALLY a fan of crepes.

Zindaras:

And this is relevant how?

Der Hammer:

Now the question is what happens if two GFs are left.

Akonas:

Care to explain how we were supposed to get the answer to the last one?

BabyJesus:

I was pretty sure the tailies showed up Season 2...

LyingBrian:

what is your standard Method of Operation in developing this "gut feeling"?

MeMe:

I'm willing to admit I may have made a mistake. Are you?

B Rob:

There is no point to calling someone out and letting them get away with slinking back in, if you get my meaning.

Rosso Carne:

yos, you never mistook me in KM

Chess83:

If anybody is framing you it is yourself.

petroleumjelly:

Fine, fine, I can agree to a color-claim.

Primate:

Happy with a

Vote Klebian

now.

Lowell:

I agree. Klebian looks worse than Devo.

Pug89:

That seems like a very weak reason to vote for somebody.

DrippingGoofball:

Doesn't that mean also a "free kill" for the Mafia???

bigAl:

See you all in the fall!

Phoebus:

We would also like to take a moment

In Memoriam

for those users who are no longer active on the forums...

The audience responds with an emotional standing ovation. Phoebus wipes a tear away.

Phoebus:

We'll be back after this message with the conclusion of Mafia Live, and the presentation of the final two awards.

Meanwhile, on the set of Mafia Live...

M4yhem:

Well, it's got to be one of you. Right now, I am leaning toward ChannelDelibird.

ChannelDelibird:

What? Why?

M4yhem:

You've been lurking the entire game!

ChannelDelibird:

I'm not lurking! Honest!

Aelyn:

Guys, listen. I think I know what we need to do.

Aelyn motions the other two over, and they huddle together, whispering so that any live microphones can't hear them...

[mith]

[mith]

Phoebus:

You know, I've never been to Oklahoma, but that commercial really makes me want to go. Welcome back, everyone. Are you ready for this? It's time for our three remaining Mafia players to come to a decision. Let's go in live...

The room comes up, but Phoebus is surprised to see that it is empty, and the door is wide open.

Phoebus:

What the... how does that door keep coming unlocked?

Aelyn:

A wizard did it.

The audience cheers as the three players walk onto the stage and surround the podium.

Phoebus:

What's going on here? You're supposed to be in that room up there, not here. This ceremony is one screw-up after another. Oh well. Have you at least come to a decision, so we can give these viewers their money's worth?

M4yhem:

Oh, certainly.

Phoebus:

Well?

ChannelDelibird:

In a unanimous vote... we've decided to lynch you.

Phoebus:

You what? You can't do that! I'm the mod! The mod is god and...

A noose lowers from above the podium, while Phoebus continues to rant.

Phoebus:

And... and... guards!

Aelyn:

They won't help you. We figure you're the only real scum in this game. mole was just trying to keep us from figuring it out. You tricked us into that room, and then let us die for your own amusement.

He places the noose around Phoebus's neck.

Aelyn:

Any last words?

Phoebus:

...go scum?

M4yhem makes a motion with his hand, and the noose suddenly jerks upward. The audience watches in a stunned silence as Phoebus turns purple. Finally, the struggling ceases and the rope lowers Phoebus back to the stage.

Aelyn:

So... what now?

The audience talks amongst itself, not sure whether this means the show is over. Eventually, mith stands up and walks to the stage. He taps the mic to make sure it's still on.

mith:

Hi.

The audience settles down.

mith:

It looks like Phoebus is dead. He didn't give me the setup, so...

Phoebus's hand goes up. It is holding an envelope. It's hard to tell whether this is some sort of post-mortem spasm, or just that Phoebus is, like Thok and pretty much anyone else that met an unfortunate "end" on the show, only mostly dead. mith opens the envelope.

mith:

I see. It appears you have lynched "The Almighty Phoebus, Lord Of The Stage" (Evil Mafia Bastard Mod). Town wins!

The three remaining players celebrate, as the audience cheers.

mith:

"P.S. Now you're stuck MCing the rest of the show, mith." Gah! Well, I guess it's hard to argue with that. Thanks for playing, guys, you can take a seat now.

Aelyn, ChannelDelibird, and M4yhem find empty seats, and there is some patting of backs from nearby audience members.

mith:

Our penultimate award is the

Oscar for Best Performance: Pro-Town

, presented by... let's see, who can present this...

A figure walks on stage. mith turns to look, and does a double-take.

mith:

Leonidas? You haven't posted since June! How can you be here?

Leonidas:

Oh, I'm just lurking as part of some clever strategy. That, or I was called upon by mysterious forces to present this award, as the 2005 winner.

mith:

Fair enough. The podium is yours.

Leonidas:

Thanks, mith. This award is for all-around great play by either individual townies, or the Town as a whole. Not only did our nominees display good scum-catching skills, but they also followed through to actually get the scum lynched. This year's winner of the Pro-Town Oscar is...

The Town from Mini 292: Mythical Monsters

!

EnderX:

Upon seeing the manner in which the Golem had been killed, Osloboditelj and Maz Medias turned on Pug89. Without even giving him a chance to utter a single word, they tore into him. The disguise unit was the first thing to go; once the phoenix's face was visible, Osloboditelj held up a hand, motioning for Maz, who was holding Pug captive, to turn away. An instant later, it was over. Only a statue remained of the once-brilliantly shining bird...a statue that was shattered into nothing but pebbles as Maz Medias struck hard and fast against it.

Unfortunately, the awesome acceptance speech that should appear here is far too awesome and amazing and definitely exists, and so it has been removed to preserve your sanity. Maybe it will appear in the DVD extras!

mith:

That leaves one last award, the

Oscar for Best Performance: Mafia

, presented by... Zippy, probably.

Zippy:

How did you guess?

mith:

I must be psychic.

Zippy:

This year, the award for best scum performance was for fiercely contested than ever, with an incredible ten nominees. The winner is...

The camera looks around the auditorium at the various nominees, or in some cases at the random fill-ins sitting in the seats of those that are absent. It pauses on each individual or group for a moment, as they look on anxiously: mathcam... Fuldu... Alexander... Fritzler and PookyTheMagicalBear... MrBuddyLee and LoudmouthLee... on the other side of LML, Fiasco, Commodore Amazing, and Thok... and on the other side of Thok, Vaughn... Bamboomancer... M4yhem, Riktus, and spectrumvoid... and finally Germy.

Zippy:

The Italian Mafia from Verbose Mafia 2

!

Mr Grey:

"So this had nothing to do with Popes, or Satanic Nuns?"

"Of course not. Religion was just a red herring, eh Wadsworth?"

"You're forgetting something. There are no bullets left in that gun."

"Oh, I'm not forgetting that. Annoying of Mr. Grey to only provide me with one bullet. Still, it served me well against that mental magician, and I don't lament having only one. Even useless, this gun has distracted you enough for..."

"Wheeeeeeeeeeeeee..."

BLUDGEON!!!

"Beware the I'ds of March!"

STAB!!!

Cogito Ergo Sum and petroleumjelly slump to the floor. Standing behind them are Thok and HalfMan.

"...for my partners to finish the job."

With her dying breath, Sister Mary gasps:

"Et tu, HalfMan?"

mikeburnfire and SpamWise turn to flee, but before they can get far a badly draw black and white sketch of a bald man appears from nowhere.

ENDGAME'D!!!

Fiasco:

So many people to thank, so little time! On behalf of our Mafia group, Thok and I are proud to accept the Best Mafia scummy. I'd like to thank CA, LML (we're happily supporting your difficult fight against smoking), and HalfMan as fellow members of the Italian mafia.

Adele, we had great fun making you walk the plank. Axing Turbovolver was also effing great, to be frank. Speaking of axes, how can we thank Fritzler, the coarsest Socrates ever? And Cogito Ergo Sum, you crazy sectarian Cartesian? And our various other victims, like the Silent Speaker, and Werebear. And VitaminR, and those cops we like, like SpamWise and Seol. And Mathcam. Mathcam? MATHCAM!

There's a word I'm looking for, I'm, let's see, I'm touched by all of the support you've given us. Pooky and MikeBurnFire, thanks for all the huggles and giggles. And speaking of fire and burning, thank you also, Kelly Chen. DrippingGoofball, I don't know what we'd do without you. And PetroleumJelly, my dear, how could we forget you? And oh my god, I almost totally forgot to thank Tamuz!

And finally, we'd like to thank Mr. Grey for modding (and his wonderful assistants Tally, MeMe, and the Lump).

Narf.

mith:

Well, folks, that's it. Congratulations again to all the winners of Scummies for 2006...

The crowd applauds some more.

mith:

But before we leave for the afterparty, there is one announcement I would like to make. In honor of mafiascum.net's upcoming fifth anniversary, I am hereby declaring the month of March to be International Mafia Day!

jeep:

mith. You're declaring the

month

of March to be International Mafia

Day

? That doesn't make sense.

mith:

Yeah, that's pretty stupid, isn't it. Anyway, various things will be happening throughout the month, leading up to the fifth anniversary on March 28. More details to come as I make them up. Thank you for watching, and we hope you all come back next year for the 2007 Scummies! This is mith, reminding you to help control the non-minion population, have your female friends recruited. Goodnight, Norway!

The screen fades to black, and the credits roll...

[petroleumjelly]

Nicely written, mith.

Congrats to all winners! Here's to another fruitful year on 'scum!

[TBuG]

I didn't win. Or get nominated. Ever.

I'm so much better with grammar when I'm not on scumchat, lol.

[mole]

*shakes fist*

[AniX]

AniX: You were about to give Mr. 11th Hour his award! Nothing is more paragonesque than catching scum with the sense of smell! The 11th Hour is here. BOW BEFORE THE 11TH HOUR!

This statement is totally true.

[Glork]

*shakes fist*

Yea, you got paragon'd.


Congrats to everybody who won, was nominated, got a cameo, helped out, etc. It's been good times so far. Here's to another spectacular year of Mafia.

[bigAl]

Once again, a very amusing read...thanks for the write up.

Congrats to all winners!

[Fritzler]

i kind of like arkansas not gonna lie

kentucky is the state that has always been badluck for me

[Mr. Flay]

Heh, that cracks me up; I wasn't nominated for anything and still got mentioned like 5 times. Whee!

Nice show, mith/Phoebus/judges/etc.

[mikeburnfire]

That was cool. Glad to have been nominated, suprised that I won. I look forward to lynching you all when I return!

[Mastermind of Sin]

I didn't win. Or get nominated. Ever.

QFT

[jeep]

sheesh! I didn't have time to read the ceremony...

Anyway, I THINK that the titles and images are done, except for Brian McQ, Commodore A, and LoudMouthLee... they all need to have special images made up. Anyone who wants to make them can feel free. I'll do it in the next few days if someone pesters me.

-JEEP